Ah, love! Who wouldn’t want to love and be loved? Who wouldn’t want to fall in love and be in love? Who wouldn’t want the infamous butterflies in the stomach (although I can think of several gastric conditions likely to result in a similar feeling)? We all want it – love.
Sometimes I believe that love is essential, and sometimes I believe that the only reason love is essential is that otherwise you spend all your time looking for it.
This quote by Nora Ephron, the American journalist / writer / filmmaker behind classics such as Sleepless in Seattle caught my eye one day on social media and got me thinking. If we all want the same thing, why is it so difficult, in this day and age, to find it? I thought I’d share some of my, however embarrassing, dating experiences, as they might help someone on their quest for love. Here, I will write about male-female dates and interactions, but please feel free to mentally adjust them to whatever configuration rocks your boat.
I can think of several reasons why my dates in the past went wrong. It could have been me, of course; it could have been any number of things I said, did, my hairdo, or the lack thereof, my make-up, or the lack thereof, my clothes, or the lack… ugh… Essentially, I’d like to acknowledge the possibility of me being fully or partly responsible for these dates going badly wrong. But now I’ll list some things that, from a female perspective, bug me to no end:
- Too much information about your love life to date
A major problem with dates is the fact that some people just wouldn’t stop talking about their former significant other. Guys would recall their girlfiend’s amazing brownies and would forget to even call them ex-girlfriends in the process. They’d give a detailed account of their most recent relationship, including where they lived and how they got together, before coffee has even been served. They’d spare no detail, example: He’d been to New Zealand; he’d met a Japanese girl there. She was a great cook. They’d spent some time living in Japan. Later, he’d met a British lady. She was a nurse and wanted to return to the UK, so he returned with her.
I recall a gentleman, who went as far as to offer to show me a picture of his ex, Erica. Naturally, I wasn’t that enthusiastic. When I openly asked why would he want to do that, he said he just wanted to show me pictures of Toronto (they’d met and lived there). Have you – said I – a picture of Toronto that doesn’t feature Erica?
Is it solely my perception that this amount of ex-girlfriend information is inappropriate for a first date? Come on, gents/ ladies: Show some interest in the person that you’re actually on a date with! Surely you can discuss you past love life on a subsequent occasion – but I personally wouldn’t go there, unless specifically asked.
This sort of thing used to happen to me with such ghastly regularity, I finally asked the oracle, Google, why. According to Google, and not only, some people actually believe in the so-called pre-selection principle. The easiest way to explain this is in terms of restaurants: You are looking for a place to eat and you pass two almost identical restaurants. One is packed, the other is empty. You go to the first one, because there are customers there; it must be better. In much the same way, apparently some people believe that if they make it absolutely crystal clear that they’ve had a partner before, they are worthy of one.
We’ve all had some dates in the past; of course, unless we’re really young. The key here would be to focus on this new person that attracted your attention enough for you to want to meet them. Wouldn’t it be a better idea to ask them about their interests, hobbies, where they studied / grew up? The pre-selection principle might work with restaurants but fails miserably with human beings.
2. Taking no initiative
Have you ever been in a situation when you receive a message from someone you’re quite attracted to: Are you up for a drink? You text back: Yes, sure, when? A month of silence would follow before you receive another message: Are you still up for a drink? You say: Yes, I am, let me know when and where. Another month of two of silence, the same question. The same answer. You were always up for that drink! But it never happened.
A variation of the above is this example: a dear friend, born and bred in Manchester, had absolutely no idea where to take me for coffee. None. I can easily think of at least 10 places and I am not even from there.
Do you want to invite someone for a date? Are you agonising over what to say / what suggestion to make? The rule of thumb is: Any suggestion is better than none! Now, I have seen young men at their wit’s end: But s/he is going to judge me by the suggestion I make! If you don’t know the person well, offer two different alternatives. Going to a café, for instance, or a walk in the park are likely to have some appeal to most people. Ultimately, it almost doesn’t matter what suggestion you make: if they want to meet you, they will. (I wouldn’t suggest, of course, somewhere unpleasant and / or dangerous… that goes without saying.) Key take-away: Make a suggestion, please. A single suggestion (or two alternatives, if you like). This doesn’t mean that, if you hit it off, you’ll be making suggestions all the time. Most likely, you’ll take turns. Specific plans have an added advantage: they actually happen!
3. Going super-hyper-ultra Dutch
Another date I am unlikely to forget is this one: We had a quick coffee in a café in Manchester city centre. Having finished, we went to the till to pay. The pleasant lady behind the till says: £4. 50, please. He turns to me: That’ll be £2.25 each.
I wouldn’t even want to go into the much-discussed question Who should pay on a first date? I am always ready to pay for myself, whatever the date number. Yet, in this case, there was something plainly odd in the way this came across.
Some of my readers will be aware of the concept of a suspended coffee. You go to a coffee shop and order a coffee, just one; but you pay for two. The second coffee you’ve just paid for is a suspended coffee. Anyone can ask for a suspended coffee, and get it, if one is available; they won’t have to pay.
Long story short: Most people would be willing to treat a complete stranger to a coffee totalling £2.25, or even the up-to-date price of £2.75. So why not do it for someone you’re potentially romantically interested in? Don’t worry, you’re not showing too much interest… It’s just a coffee, after all. No strings attached, just roasted, perhaps pressed beans and boiling water.
I may be guilty of not giving enough credit to the gentleman in question. There may be a number of reasons for this behaviour. If he’d only just said: Listen, I don’t have enough cash on me, can I treat you next time? or something to that effect, I would have been left with a much more favourable impression of him.
So: don’t spend an arm and a leg on a first date, of course. If you are young and poor, or not so young and not so rich, invite them to a picnic. Make tea at home, bring some sunflower seeds or biscuits to much on. Being prepared to offer something, however small, will be appreciated.
4. Being unappreciative
Have you got friends who believe in match making? Apparently, the best relationships are these in which the two parties have a friend in common.
So, imagine that you are really busy; you need to travel abroad, you weekend is jam-packed with whatever you may jam-pack your weekend with. But your dear friend wants you to meet his single friend, and has the best intentions; they believe you’re made for each other. And so you free up a whole weekend and suggest you show them both around Manchester, which you know quite well. And then, the said friend arrives and one of the first things he says is:
I am from Rome, so cities don’t usually impress me.
Wouldn’t it have been just so different if they’d just said:
I am looking forward to seeing something completely different from Italy. Thank you for taking the time to show us around.
Or failing that, they may have chosen to temporarily bite their tongue and try to enjoy the differentness and the industrially alternative splendour of Manchester (there really is such a thing).
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I have so much more to say on this subject, including reflections on speed dating (Your speed dating host may be having much too good a time at the bar and may accidentally forget to ring the bell that signals change of partners! Keep an eye on the time!) and not only… But let me leave you with this: I am convinced that finding love is completely random, completely the result of a chance encounter. Should you go out and put yourself out there in the meantime (Don’t you just cringe at the very expression!)? You should. You should try every single avenue to finding love, however hurtful, disheartening and demeaning it might feel. One day, you will laugh at your many adventures and you’ll have many stories to tell. And if you’ve found it / when you find it, be grateful for it and give it your all.
Purple Travel Path 